Lost American Tour


A Box of Condoms

I've been reading up on how to pack light. Because I suck at it. Because I don't want a repeat of what happened in France (read: at the wrong terminal with a heavy bag and crying like a crazy person).

Anyway... some hippie traveler website was explaining the many uses of condoms when you travel. And not just water balloons. Things like seperating your change. And I've repressed most of it, but I couldn't help but think that maybe they didn't buy the pre-lubed/spermicided kind.

Also, there are a lot of uses for Vodka. Just google around. I think I can live without packing Vodka, though.



I found ridiculous plane tickets online. Thank you, American Airlines. For getting me the fuck out of America. You are the best. Seriously. Who thought I could get a non-stop ticket from Chicago to Dublin for a little over $300?

The other day I realized that I'm going to Europe for two months. Commencement is so very close now. And then I fly to Ireland.

I got to thinking that two months is full of a lot of days. Yes, it is stupid. But there are a lot of days there. I don't really have a plan for occupying them. I know I have to break them up into 5 to 7 day chunks. Anything more and I'll be stressed. Any less and I'll be rushed. Each day chunk will be assigned a city or country.

Buying the tickets was a bitch, though. I was trying to coordinate the purchase with my travelmate, who is in a different state right now. Then I remember that we're coming back on different days. So I need someone to pick me up at the airport. I drop a call to my mom.

Me: "Hey mom, can you pick me up at the airport on Saturday (some random date)?"
Mom: "That's two days before your sister's birthday."
Me: (uh, ok) "How about (another date)?"
Mom: "Can you hold on a second." (pause) "I'm back. What airline are you flying?"
Me: "American. I just want to know if you can pick me up."
Mom: "Hold on, again." (pause) "I'm back. What ...? Oh, hold on, again."
Me: (god damn it, yes or no woman!!!) "I'm not asking for permission, mom. I'm just asking if you can pick me up."


Sideways Kills Me

I am not a wine snob, but I do drink a lot of it. I'm open to trying new things (wine from the Midwest, why not?). When I go to the bar or out to eat, a lot of the time I'll get a glass of Cabernet. Sometimes, I change it up.

Then Sideways comes along and I cannot order a glass of Merlot without some fucker overhearing and giving me shit. Sometimes, these people don't even talk, they'll just snicker. It is never the waiter or bartender. I can never tell who it is going to be before I order Merlot. These Sideways bitches come out of nowhere. They think they are superior for laughing at a glass of Merlot, but most of them have no reason for despising Merlot other than the fact that the guy did it in that movie. Anyone with legitimate hatred for Merlot won't snicker or make shitty comments to strangers.

I like Merlot. Fucker. You can't tell Shiraz from White Zin, bitch. Go drink from your fucking box.